They're cars for jockeys, rock stars and jugglers, then, but certainly not for Mr Spock.
That said, I tried my best to test drive the recently unleashed Alfa Romeo 147 without any preconceptions at all.
Ignore all the rumours and take it at face value, I thought. And what a face!
Available in three and five door, the 147 provides a very good looking alternative in a sector dominated by boy-racing Corsas and Fiestas.
It's not quite big enough to be a true family car, but provides an interesting option for those looking for a second motor or driving solo. There's enough boot space for a decent family shop, but not an enormous amount of legroom in the rear.
Originally introduced in 2001, an update earlier this year provides a number of Guigaro-styled design changes - namely a new bonnet, front wings, bigger bumper and grille at the front, and a new tailgate and enlarged lights at the rear.
While that sounds like a lot of changes, the sum total is a car which doesn't look desperately different than the one it supercedes.
Inside, the Lusso-trimmed model I tested felt well pull together, stylish and sporting, with a black finish and switches which didn't feel as though they were going to fall off any time soon.
I found it a little hard to get comfortable in the sporty driving seat - possibly because my arms are much shorter than the average Italian's.
Spaghetti
But, like a good plate of spaghetti, the Alfa experience isn't just about what it looks like. Oh, no, it's the taste of the pasta - or, in this case, the driving experience - which makes it all worthwhile.
The 1.9litre diesel M-Jet I drove was certainly powerful enough.
It's a free-revving engine, which implores you to press your foot to the floor, coupled with a close ratio, six-speed manual gear box which makes the best use of the 150 brake horse power on offer.
I threw the 147 around a bit and it responded very well.
On the downside, the 147's sporting credentials made for a pretty hard ride, which, while it didn't bother this Dario Franchitti wannabe, it brought a few stern words from my passenger.
Working the engine also produced a high volume of engine noise, a point which adds to the sporting feel but did become a little bit intrusive during a longer motorway journey.
I found the steering was great and the brakes reassuringly responsive.
The 147 is also available in five-door - complete with cleverly concealed door handles - and a choice of engines including 1.6litre and 2.0litre petrol and two different rakes on the 1.9 turbodiesel.
You can also choose from a number of trim levels.
I ENJOYED my time with the 147 very much and would certainly consider buying a second-hand version of the previous model. Crucially, nothing fell off it, it didn't break down and it didn't feel like a car from a company which has struggled to make money.
Since I parted company with the 147, I've even taken to asking Alfa drivers I encounter if they've had any problems with their cars.
Contrary to popular expecation, most of them claim to have enjoyed miles of trouble-free motoring.
So, for me, it's a case of the heart being convinced - and the head slowly getting used to the idea.
